What Being Sober is Like (ft. Puppy)


Hey y’all. I’m back home at my old home and I wanna talk about sobriety, which is a topic that normally makes me angry and upset, so I brought a puppy with me. This is Walter. He’s my sister’s dog. I’m puppysitting today, and there’s nothing you can do about it, Kait. I’m putting him in a video. But anyway, yeah, for those who don’t know, I am sober. I don’t like to use the term “straight edge” because for me that implies there’s a choice in the matter, and that’s not really the reality for me. I’m a recovering drug addict, which again that’s heavy. So here’s puppy. Yeah, I have addiction issues and substance abuse issues that are in my past. I’ve been clean for 3 years, which yeah that’s awesome! But it’s still something I deal with every single day of my life. And like I said, when I talk about it or think about it or am confronted with issues about it, I normally get so angry and upset and I feel guilty because sometimes I do wish that I could just be normal and go out and not worry about everything. But I can’t. I can’t do that, and that’s why I want to talk about it every once in a while. An interesting thing to note is that every time I do bring up my issues or my past, people assume that I’ve beaten it. That it’s over and I’m done with it. Because yeah I’m 3 years down the road, but I’m definitely not done with it. Every time I go out and I socialize, I have to be so hyper-vigilant at all times to make sure that I’m protecting myself. When I’m dating someone new or I meet a new friend or someone, it’s one of the first things I have to bring up because I have to make sure that this person is safe for me to have around. I’ve had friendships in the past that I’ve had to take a step back from because they’re just engaging in normal social behavior, but for me that behavior is unsafe, so I have to not hang out with them. They’re great people and that makes me sad. In the last couple weeks in particular, I have felt extremely sorry for myself, which is not something I ever want to do. So please don’t look at this video like “oh feel sorry for Connor” because I hate that. Don’t do that for me. Everybody has their reality. Everybody has their sets of circumstances and needs that go along with who they are, and this is just a side of myself. Sometimes, I do feel extremely isolated and separate from society because the reality is that we live in a world that glorifies drinking, drug use, and partying like everywhere. And it frustrates me at times because I can’t participate in that side of society and I feel like I don’t fit in, which is of course not the reality. Why am I making this video? To be honest, I don’t really know. I’ve just been very frustrated recently in regards to my sobriety and my recovery. And it’s something that happens every so often. Because even though I am 3 years down the road, progress isn’t a straight line and sometimes I take a few steps back and I feel bad for myself and start questioning things and considering doing things that are very unhealthy for me. I could sit here, feel sorry for myself, and tell you my sob story about how I got to where I got, but I don’t want to do that. Because one of the more significant things I’ve learned living with mental illness is that the moment I start feeling sorry for myself is the moment I stop getting better. These things are gonna be with me my entire life. I have needs because of those things. I can’t get rid of them fully, but I can live with and learn to accept them. I can’t go through my whole life fighting my own feelings because they’re gonna happen regardless of whether I want them to. They’re gonna happen, so I might as well accept them. I don’t have to like them. I don’t have to embrace them and be super pumped about them. But I have to accept them. Otherwise I can’t move forward. And that’s what I wanted to remind myself of by making this video. That’s it. That’s really it. That’s all I wanted to talk about. You got anything to say, Walter? Got anything to add? Look at how like handsome this dog is. Look at how handsome he is. Are you handsome? Walter and I are gonna hop off of here because I think he needs to poop. I love y’all a lot. And I will see you back home in LA on Friday. FWAH jamz

100 thoughts on “What Being Sober is Like (ft. Puppy)

  • Wow! 3 years is an amazing effort, you should be very proud of yourself! Don't feel bad about having your own needs to keep yourself safe, it's totally okay! So proud of you ❤️

  • About a week ago, my older half-sister (she's 25) got arrested for shoplifitng and we found out that she and her husband relapsed after 6 months of being clean (they're both heroin addicts). I'm trying more and more to understand her and this video helps a lot, but I wish I had an older sibling like you.

  • Hi Connor! I am the one you high-fived on YouNow for being sober for 6 years. I really related to this video. You gotta make a lot of choices socially to get around the social substance using. Especially the ones where you meet new people who asking you 'why don't you drink' and aren't satisfied with the 'because I don't' answer. But luckily my life is so much better now then it was 6 years ago! Keep up the good work! Give puppy a nice cuddle and see you later!

  • I am proud of you Connor. We all have setbacks, but I'm so proud that you are able to take a more positive look on things, and accept your setbacks. You're very brave to talk about it online. You help so many people, including myself. Setbacks are hard, but you're doing great Connor. Never forget that xx
    (Also, yes puppy. That is a very cute puppy.)

  • A+ puppy MORE PUPPY PLS
    Sorry I just love puppies so much. I'm really glad you're doing well in your recovery! I started off sober because I just didn't want to drink, but it turns out I shouldn't drink for medical reasons, and I kind of resent it now. I guess having social anxiety makes me wonder if I would be more social drunk. It can be pretty hard being sober at social gatherings of drunk people, but over time I've found friends who are either sober or just don't care if I am.

  • Dat lighting though, and puppies are great. i want another dog so bad but my parents just don't want me to grow and spread my wings (from my point of view obviously) and I just feel weighted and brought down when it comes to thinking about things like college, or moving out. Because I do have a job, its just my mom want me to pay rent. (A 17 year old high school senior paying his mom rent… Doesn't that sound a bit weird?) Anyway I have a concert to go do.
    Have a great rest of the day!~

  • Loved the video! A great reminder to accept feelings as they come and that everyone has their shit. I need to remember every now and then that my shit smells just as bad to me as other peoples shit smells to them. And puppy.

  • well congrats on still trying your best so you can be the best possible you. also….. a puppy should be the new way to tell someone sad news ,they make everything better 😁❤

  • The thing about addiction that some people don't understand is that its never over. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and has been for the past 25 years. It's a battle he still fights every day and he still calls himself an alcoholic because he knows that all it would take is one sip for him to go back down that road again. You don't just wake up one day and all of a sudden you're no longer addicted.

  • OMG puppy! Okay get that out of the way. Im glad you talked about this, addiction is hard and its definitely not something that just ends. Proud of you for working through it 🙂

  • I've been mostly lying in bed feeling sorry for myself and not doing shit for the past two days and stumbled upon this video having not watched any of your stuff for a while, and I just have to say, something about your frankness and honesty is just always really inspiring and motivating. When I'm hating everything and don't want to do anything at all, your videos always make me take a step back and look at everything I'm doing and really take more responsibility for my own life and my own happiness, so thank you for that– and congrats on three years sober! Stay strong xx

  • There’s some history of addiction in and around my family, two deaths included, and adding my personality disorder and other mental health issues to the mixture, I’ve always felt that not being totally abstinent would be both playing with fire and trivialising all the suffering that the people I love have gone through. It makes me very upset to see how our society glorifies and instigates something that can cause so much harm while marginalising those who have been harmed by it. I, who don’t struggle personally with addiction, can’t help but feel this horrible (and at times rather bigoted) resentment when my friends talk about drugs and alcohol like they’re just a cool edgy game when my dad lost a brother to it, and my half-brother lost his father to it. I can’t even imagine how upsetting and alienating this constant pressure to “engage-yet-not-too-much” must be for people who struggle with addiction every single day of their lives.
    I truly admire you for being so brave and so strong, Connor.

    Also, PRECIOUS LITTLE PUPPY >:0

  • Hey I have PTSD and oddly found this video relevant to my experience as well, at least in terms of having to work really hard at keeping my brain under control every day and not being able to do some normal things and feeling guilty. Idk thanks for making this.

  • I recently started taking anti-depressants that mean I can't drink alcohol. I didn't realise until then how much I drink and how often; or, perhaps more importantly, how much my friends drink while going out. Now, when I'm with them at parties and stuff, I feel strange – I feel good that I'm more in control, which wouldn't be the norm, but I also feel like I'm missing out – like you mentioned – on this great, fun side of life that 'normal people' seem to live. When you mentioned your sobriety before, I never thought of it as that big of a deal, but now I understand that it is a HUGE deal. Love you and your thought-provoking honesty, Connor

  • in a lot of ways it would seem that addiction is akin to mental illness and while I'm familiar with (addiction that is) I fortunately never had to deal with it in regards to consumables (mine is an action that I still feel the urge for here and there). gotta say I'm not a fan of how addicted people are often portrayed and stigmatised – another similarity to mental illness which usually also stays with you and you can only work on dealing with it better. They also somewhat correlate – people like me with mood issues and ADD apparently have a higher risk of abuse/addiction and some such – in that sense I'm fortunate mine isn't substance related

  • Connor, I respect the hell out of you for making videos like this. It's one thing to talk about this topic with a friend or relative, but to put it out there on the internet where anyone can see? That's amazing.
    I've been following your videos for about 2 years now, and I love seeing how much you've grown in that time. It gives me hope for my own life. Thank you for what you do 🙂

  • You are amazing and your humility is admirable don't change, I just hope that you can see it too. You inspire a great deal of respect and admiration.

  • congratulations.
    Sometimes our drug and alcohol problems are not our own. There are many of us that love people that have issues. Take comfort in the knowledge that there are people like myself that are looking for others that don't want that stuff in their lives.

  • So relatable: every day I feel super guilty and I have to try and be strong and feel worthy, but some days I can't and I spiral and, eventually, cut. Right now I'm like 20 hours clean, but your videos help me to realize that I can overcome that. Sometimes I feel as if I have to start my journey from the beginning again, but each time I can choose to learn and be stronger.

  • I don't know the full extent of your story, nor do I think it's any of my business. But I think this video needs to be seen. Sobriety is a journey, not a permanent state of being. Every day is a struggle, and many people still do not understand that. It's not just "oh i'm sober now so that part of my life is over!" Hence I appreciate you speaking out, and recommend this like crazy. Your journey should continue to be heard.

    Side note: I also really enjoy Russell Brand's thoughts as well on sobriety. If you have not seen it Conner, I recommend it. His documentary, while a bit cocky, is also a good watch, and also just provides a lot of examples of "normal" people that deal with addiction. It's on Netflix. The teens love Netflix.

  • It's been shown in lab studies and social studies that a lack of social/meaningful relationships and available activities are a significant determinant of the frequency of drug use and addiction. I find the popularity or recreational drugs to be really upsetting, mainly because of how isolating it is to be on the outside. It's even worse for those struggling with addiction because it's important for them to build a social network to properly cope , but giving up drugs has a socially isolating effect of it's own.

  • I know how alienating our drug-welcoming society can be. And, from a different context, I also know how hard it is to live with triggers, with the constant struggle of keeping an eye on yourself, of being good to yourself, of remembering your coping skills and why you're working so hard.

    I had myself under control for years and lost it last week after many weeks of too little unwind-ability, so this video is super-relevant and much appreciated. 🙂

  • So proud of Walter's FWAH!
    But on a serious note- I have multiple food allergies, heart problems and anxiety issues that stop me from participating in a lot of simple social situations, like going out to eat or being out with friends. It's easy to feel sort of locked up and, as you said, sorry for yourself. But what you said about accepting your feelings even if you don't like them or whatever has been really key. Realizing and accepting them for what they are, knowing their full potential in your mind and then putting them back in their designated space for as long as they allow is how I've dealt with them. Proud of you for how far you've come and the steps you take to keep yourself safe. You're an inspiration.

  • Well hey, im proud of you. 3 years is a wonderful accomplishment. Thankful for your vulnerability
    Also thankful that pup

  • I don't have problems with addiction, but I do struggle with depression, anxiety ptsd and an eating disorder, so I can relate. Like you said, telling the sob story of all of it tends to just make me sad, but adjusting how I interact with others and how I handle things are things I have to deal with on a daily basis, and yeah, it definitely does really really suck. It's kinda nice hearing someone else talk about it but not in a "oh woe is me this is really sad but I'm Totally Better Now!TM"

  • I had no idea you had a history of drugs. Shows how much I keep up to date with your videos but I'm so proud of you. What a strong person.

  • You're just human. Life is hard. No question about this. Life is more of a struggle for some of us than for others. Congratulations on successful sobriety thus far. Keep it up.

  • I'm sober too. Not because I have any addiction problems, it's just my preference. (I personally don't like the feeling I get when I've had a drink, and it often makes my stomach ache to the point where I want to go home.)
    I understand what you mean by the feeling of missing out – but I still go to parties with friends, and I still have fun. Most of my friends are fun to be with even if they're drunk and I'm not. It's only when there's uknown people that start trying to preassure me into drinking that it starts to get annoying.

  • Connor, this hit close to home. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety back in March after years of being undiagnosed. I've been taking pills for both since November after just focusing on one. From September to mid-November all of my creativity was just gone. I had a crying breakdown almost every day at work. It sucked. Then, in November my work schedule for one of my jobs started changing so now I am able to take naps and those help me de-stress and calm me down. I also started listening to music when I go to bed at night and it actually helps my brain relax. Every day is a struggle for me, but I'm getting there. I keep looking forward to the trips I have coming up and this month I've been doing Blogmas. On days when I don't work at all, I cook food from scratch because it's calming for me. I also keep surrounding myself with friends who won't push me to do something that I am not comfortable with. I had a situation this summer that I completely messed up.

    One of the reasons why this hit so close to home is because my brother is a recovering addict as well. He also has mental illnesses like me (more than me actually) as well as sleep terrors (which are not fun at all). He self-diagnosed for years like many do. It's hard when every day is a struggle. Society keeps tempting us but we have to overcome it. I feel as if people who have not had serious addiction or mental illnesses don't understand what we go through every day. But we keep telling them so they understand that some days are better than others.

    Wow. That got heavy and this video was heavy. Thank you so much for making this video, Connor.

    Side note: PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Drug use has always weighed heavily on my family. My biological mother has a horrible addiction with Heroine, and the last time I've seen her I was nine but its caused her to harass me and say horrible awful things to me that have caused me to no longer want any kind of relationship with the woman who gave me life. my brother was addicted to heroine and meth, as well as using coke. I tried to help him out and he ended up getting me evicted from my home. I no longer have the urge to bond with him either.
    Drug use is a heavy topic, and I admire you for getting out of it and thinking about those who love you (I watched your other addiction video too) because like you've said before, drug use effects more than just the user. I hope my brother finds these and if not I'll be sending them to him.

  • Conor, you (and a whole bunch of other ppl) are NOT ABNORMAL in living free of alcohol and recreational drugs.
    Surround yourself with people who encourage you to be all you can be.
    There's a whole bigger world out there, hope you enjoy exploring it.
    GL with tomorrow (and each day after), one day at a time.

  • I can relate, Connor. Though I don't have a history of substance abuse, I stay away from alcohol and I don't do any drugs (unless you count the caffeine in the occasional few cups of coffee). Like you, I choose my friends carefully and limit my social interactions. Although I think this has more to do with social anxiety than anything else.

    Hooray social anxiety!

    Also, PUPPY! 😀

  • I just want to thank you for speaking out about this stuff. You have helped a lot of people and that's something to be really proud of.

  • Some of my close family struggles with addiction so I am aware of some of the stuff you talk about. Having to distance yourself in a way seems unfair but then fair because it's what you need and what you need is more important than fairness I guess? Anyways, I enjoy when you talk about your sobriety because not many people do it and I know it takes some strength to do! Especially when not a lot of people understand why you can't just not get plastered or take too much of this etc. okay I'm going to stop rambling. Love you. Keep doing you.

  • I'd been having a really rough time this week, and this video just helped me feel so much better, because I often end up in a rut of self pity and this video was really helpful and so uplifting for me. Thank you so much for talking to us about your story, and congratulations on the three years man.

  • Conner, I stumbled across your video because I am pansexual and was looking at other's stories last night. So, because of that YouTube told me that I'd be interested in you. I, however, am also a recovering drug addict. I have 4 years, 11 months, and 10 days clean. I just want to let you know that I really appreciate your words here. I do not have time for an actual response on the subject matter, i will come back later for that. But I didn't want to leave without at least telling you that you are not alone. <3

  • I REALLY respect the way you don't talk about the specifics of your addiction, and being a youtuber you probably already know that that video would get tons of views. But that's why I respect you.

  • Connor, you really are such an amazing person, like seriously. Not many people strive to improve themselves as much as you, and unfortunately we grow with pain. It's so amazing for me to see such good people, and I am so happy that you are on a recovering road, and as far as i can see, is happy. You deserve that dude.

  • I think I can relate a bit with you, some years ago I used to go to parties and drink a lot of alcohol (not only in parties) until I got to a point I didn't find any alcohol good it was only for drinking. Luckily I realized it made me really sick to do that and don't drink anymore. But that is a lie also when I go out a lot of my friends like to drink so I have to hold myself from drinking with them, obviously nobody notices that but it is a fight inside me. I don't go parting so often as I used to and luckily I won't care about going to a party and not drinking which is good 🙂

  • Congrats on your sobriety and it is a life long journey.  I have worked in substance abuse prevention for years and believe that your sharing is important.  Recovery is not a straight line and have a step son who just went through a 30 day detox and residential treatment program after 4 years of use.  You may want to consider the local Young People in Recovery capture if you have not.  Keep sharing, taking care of you and being a inspiration to others.  And for keeping it real.

  • I just picked another world. There is not only 1 world for young people. There's a whole other world out there which you can discover that doesn't involve partying, drinking and drugs. There's art, culture, history, travelling, nature, the outdoors, sport, music, film, books, interessting people that are out during the morning & daytime instead of at night, hobbies, animal care, farms, horseriding, tennis, rowing etc. Really try to create a different environment for yourself so you are not excluded from life. There is not only 1 way. Good luck & thank you for your video's they are really interesting & helpful. They are honest & open & stimulate an interesting conversation.

  • The more I watch your videos, the more I respect you and think you're awesome! You're informing people about some serious issues society tries to ignore and that's pretty cool of you. Keep fighting the good fight. Know you have lots of people in your corner. 🙂

  • My mom is 30 years sober. I think you're the first youtuber I've ever seen talk about addiction at all. I come from a family with a huge history of addiction, so it's something I've been hypervigilant about for as long as I can remember. I can't hang out with people who drink or use, because I have an addictive personality. I'm so glad someone is talking about this, because it needs to be talked about.

  • Being in a school filled with drugs and fun people who do them. I keep myself from parties and things and people call me stupid or boring for it but, it's the smart thing for me to do. I get where you're coming from.

  • Sobriety when you've been through that is such an achievement – you rock. Stay strong.

    Also, your sister's puppy is freaking adorable 😍😍😍

  • thank you for making things like this and I'm encouraging you man remember your reason your family and Walter

  • Yay Puppy and yay sobriety! You are so awesome and videos like this probably help you and they also educate people like me that just want to know more! Love this, love you, you go glen coco!

  • I have a question, so once you have been addicted to a drug you can never drink alcohol again because it will make you lose control? A family member went through a period of drinking a lot and he was in a very bad situation but then he recovered and he still drinks a beer every now and then but it doesn't make him go back to the way he was before… does that mean it's different for every person oor?? Sorry if it's a dumb question it's just that I don't really relate much to it.

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