SCP-939-J Crime Time Canine | object class thaumiel | joke scp reading ft. Toasted Hoagie

SCP-939-J Crime Time Canine – object class thaumiel Item #: SCP-939-J Object Class: Thaumiel Special Containment Procedures: SCP-939-J
is housed in a standard canine containment cell in Site-20. As SCP-939-J has paradoxically demonstrated
a simultaneous absolute loyalty to deontological morality and the operations of the Foundation,
SCP-939-J is allowed free reign throughout the facility with the accompaniment of Agent
Wu. In the event of any unexplained criminal happenings
SCP-939-J is authorized to take the role of lead investigator. Security personnel are to be briefed on this
protocol and on SCP-939-J’s anomalous properties. Description: SCP-939-J is a 50-kilogram German
Shepard. SCP-939-J’s anomalous properties are as follows: Ability to speak English. Inability to do anything perceived as morally
dubious. Ability to determine the perpetrator of 93%
of criminal acts occurring within a 100-meter radius. 93% increase in the number of criminal acts
detected within a 100-meter radius. Archive of corrupted recordings: Please note that SCP-939-J didn’t actually
do the things described in these logs. These are just here for posterity. -Researcher Dinkley Incident: 20-F-90 Crime: Doctor Edward Jones found dead in Site-20
breakroom. Audio Log:
Agent Smith had recently entered the Site-20 breakroom with SCP-939-J, and was conversing
with Dr. Jones over coffee. [BEGIN LOG]
Agent Smith: Mind if I sit here? Dr. Jones: Not at all. I’m in the market for some pals. Agent Smith: Well, I’m always looking for
more. The name’s James. You? Dr. Jones: Ed. What’s the dog’s name? Agent Smith: He’s actually a skip. 939-J. SCP-939-J: Stop fucking calling me that. Dr. Jones: Is he safe to pet? Agent Smith: Yeah, he’s a sweet little guy. SCP-939-J: C’mere sunshine, you’ll get your
petting. Intense growling punctuated with a snapping
sound can be heard for the next 10 seconds, followed by the sound of blood splattering. SCP-939-J: This man’s been shot. The perpetrator probably used a gun. The jury’s still out on whether or not they
also used bullets. Agent Smith: Like, holy shit 939-J! They must have shot him so much that his head
got torn clean off! SCP-939-J: (Softly) Heh, clean. Agent Smith: Wait a second, who the hell shot
him? EVERYBODY GET DOWN! SCP-939-J: Hey everybody, Agent Smith just
shot someone! Agent Smith: Huh, guess it sometimes just
be like that. Sorry. Post-Incident Report: Agent Smith was apprehended
and demoted to Class-D for his unprovoked murder of Dr. Jones. Incident: 20-F-22 Crimes: Attempted theft of an SCP object,
destruction of Foundation property, attempted breach of Foundation security, jaywalking. Audio Log:
Agent Rosencrantz was walking SCP-939-J in the Site-20 recreation yard at the time of
the incident. [BEGIN LOG]
SCP-939-J: Take me off of this leash or I will discover the resonant frequency of your
brain and play it with an instrument constructed from your entrails. Agent Rosencrantz: Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? SCP-939-J: Ok, fuck it. There’s a crime happening over that wall and
it needs your attention. Agent Rosencrantz: Crap, I’ll call security. SCP-939-J: No, they’ll be too slow. You need to blow a hole in the wall and get
out there now. Agent Rosencrantz: Sharp as always, 939-J! I know I can count on you! Agent Rosencrantz fired multiple rounds into
the concrete wall surrounding the Site-20 recreation yard before inserting a grenade,
blowing a sizable hole in the wall. SCP-939-J: Here, follow me. Agent Rosencrantz: Across that road? There’s no stop sign or anything there. SCP-939-J: You work in a building with hundreds
of MacGuffins and you’re concerned about traffic? Agent Rosencrantz: Road safety is no joke. SCP-939-J: Unlike you. SCP-939-J proceeds to run across the road. Bystander: Hey! That dog just jaywalked! SCP-939-J: Fuck off. It was the idiot behind me. Bystander: Hey! That idiot just jaywalked! Agent Rosencrantz: Wai- Multiple gunshots are heard from the Site-20
guard tower, followed by a dull thud. Post-Incident Report: Agent Rosencrantz was
shot by the guards overlooking the Site-20 recreation yard for attempting to deliver
SCP-939-J to GOI-8305 and jaywalking.

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