Dogs Are Better Than People

-Welcome to “A Little Late.” I am your host Lilly Singh, and
this is my son, Scarbro Singh. Round of applause. [ Cheers and applause ]
I mean — Say “Hi!” Say “Hi, everyone! I’m a star!” Say “Hi.” [ Audience “aww”s ] [ Laughs ] Now, I cover a lot of important
topics on this show. But if I had my way, every night
I’d do a monologue about pets. And I’m not just saying that
because he’s here, okay? Real talk.
[ Laughter ] Because, let’s be honest,
everyone loves animals. Sometimes more
than other people. Straight up.
[ Laughter ] If you don’t believe me, think
about how “Game of Thrones” had so many major characters
getting stabbed to death, and the one thing everyone
talked about on Monday morning was how Jon Snow didn’t
say goodbye to his wolf. [ Laughter and applause ] Yeah, that’s right.
[ Babbles indistinctly ] Or take “John Wick.” The moment you saw
what happened to his puppy, you were like, “Okay, John, if you have to murder everyone
in the Russian Mafia, you gotta do what you gotta do!” We get it! We get it! [ Applause ] Am I boring you, bum?
[ Laughter ] Now, I know all of this makes me
seem like a crazy dog mom, but I assure you, I’m just
a really sensible parent to a growing, adorable, good boy who can be whatever he wants
when he grows up. Yes, you can be what —
You wanna be — [ Audience “aww”s ] “Mom, I want to be sleepy.”
[ Laughter ] I love how dogs are happy
about everything. Have you noticed this? Like, have you ever seen how dogs are so eager to greet
each other at a party? Yeah. It’s like how I feel
when I go to a party, and there’s another
brown person there. [ Laughter ] I’m like, “Yo, what’s up! Finally! You know?
[ Cheers and applause ] What’s up! Finally another one of me. Now let me smell your butt.” [ Laughter ] But seriously,
my love for animals doesn’t begin and end with dogs. Growing up — Shh — My family had a cat. Yeah. I mean, I still love cats. I just don’t like the idea of being around someone
all the time who thinks
they’re better than me. I mean, in your dog’s eyes,
you can do wrong. Yeah. But when your cat
looks at you? You can tell it’s just thinking,
“Is that what you’re wearing?” [ Laughter and applause ] But one of the most important
parts of owning a pet is coming up with a name, right? Like Scarbro?
Dope name, let’s be real. But I’ve noticed that recently, people are trying to give their
children more original names like Craylinn or Blansten. But people are giving their pets
names like Kevin. [ Laughter ] Guys, we gotta stop giving
our pets people names. In L.A., when I’m at a dog park and I hear people yelling,
“Lilly! Lilly!” I’m like,
“Oh, okay, it’s a fan.” [ Laughter ]
I turn around and take a selfie, and they’re just
petting their bulldog. [ Laughter ] The biggest difference
between me and that dog is that I shed more. [ Laughter ] But we don’t just love pets
because they’re adorable. A lot of people have
emotional support animals. Like Scarbro is a registered
emotional support dog. Yeah, that’s right.
[ Audience “aww”s ] But people find emotional
support in all kinds of animals, pigs, birds, kangaroos. Yep. Y’all, this is real. There have
already been two stories about people trying to bring
emotional support kangaroos on airplanes. Which I think is the most
creative way I’ve heard of sneaking on
an extra carry-on bag. You know what I mean?
[ Laughter and applause ] “My laptop just fits
right in the pouch.” But let’s get back
to the real reason I’m doing this monologue — Scarbro. Yep. And he asked me not to do this,
but as his mom and manager, I just gotta plug
his Instagram real quick. @Scarbrothedawg. Yep. The dawg.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, “dawg” because
he’s a poodle mix from the six. He don’t mess around, okay? Now, here’s a photo of Scarbro
when he was a puppy. [ Audience “aww”s ] I know what you’re thinking — He was black when I got him,
and then he turned white. [ Laughter and applause ] I know, I know, okay? I’ve heard the same Michael
Jackson joke a million times. So I’m not gonna say it.
Although it does explain why he keeps trying
to sneak into my bed at night. [ Audience groans, laughs ] Emotional support,
emotional support. Now, at times, I really think
that Scarbro is my best friend. Get this. He gets so excited
to see me when I get home that he pees a little bit. Yeah. None of my friends
pee a little bit because they’re excited
to see me, okay? They just pee a little bit because they have
drinking problems. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Now, that’s probably why
I would do anything for him. Does anyone else spoil
their pet? Be real. Raise your hand
if you spoil your pet. Okay.
[ Cheers and applause ] I sure do. I spoil him like he’s
my firstborn, because he is. [ Laughter ] I throw him the craziest
birthday parties every year like he’s on “My Super
Sweet 16,” straight up. Just bounce houses.
We poppin’ bottles. We chewin’ kibble.
It’s lit, fam. Okay?
[ Laughter and applause ] It’s gotten to the point where my good friend Chase’s birthday
is the day before Scarbro’s, and I straight up ignore it.
[ Laughter ] For Chase’s birthday,
all he wanted from me was a ride home after his party, and I was like, “Sorry, bro,
I can’t do it.” For Scarbro’s birthday,
I got him his own ride. [ Cheers and applause ] That’s right. That’s right. Now, I know I said “sometimes”
they’re better than humans, but what I really meant was that they’re just always
better than humans. With dogs, there’s no agenda. Like, even people
at pet stores — people who should know better — are always trying
to up-sell me on dog food. Do y’all know what
I’m talking about? They’re always saying
things like, “You should switch to a healthy,
all-natural diet, and only eat food
with pomegranate and quinoa.” I’m like, “That’s
the kind of food I should eat, and I don’t even do that.”
[ Laughter ] And as soon as I hear that,
I try to explain to them exactly how deep
Scarbro’s tongue was in his butt this morning. He doesn’t care about the food!
[ Laughter ] Quinoa. I don’t even know
how to spell quinoa. Okay? And here’s how I know
dogs are better than people. You could be the worst person
on earth, but your dog would
just never know. Your dog would love you
just the same. You know?
[ Cheers and applause ] Like, I’m sure even Bill Cosby’s
dog looks at Bill Cosby and thinks,
“This guy’s the best! And, wait, why am I so tired?”

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