2013-08-27 (P2of2) Nothing Is As It Seems


Master, can I ask a question? Master, please let me speak
in Aulacese (Vietnamese). Master, please let me speak
in Aulacese (Vietnamese). At the end of the year 2006 in Thailand, during the seven-day retreat,
on the first day, the first night, during the seven-day retreat,
on the first day, the first night, I came to group meditation
with three other sisters. I came to group meditation
with three other sisters. It was the session from 3 to 7 am,
and I sat in front of Master’s table. It was the session from 3 to 7 am,
and I sat in front of Master’s table. It was the session from 3 to 7 am,
and I sat in front of Master’s table. Because there were too many people, the Quan Yin messenger
took me near there, the Quan Yin messenger
took me near there, but the air conditioner behind
was too loud. but the air conditioner behind
was too loud. I told myself, “If I sit here, I won’t be able to hear anything
when I do Quan Yin (Sound meditation).” I won’t be able to hear anything
when I do Quan Yin (Sound meditation).” I won’t be able to hear anything
when I do Quan Yin (Sound meditation).” But when I meditated on the Sound,
suddenly I heard Master singing. But when I meditated on the Sound,
suddenly I heard Master singing. But when I meditated on the Sound,
suddenly I heard Master singing. I was so happy and said to myself, “Oh, Master came
and she is singing to the initiates, “Oh, Master came
and she is singing to the initiates, why am I still doing Quan Yin?” So I opened my eyes,
“Oh, it’s so dark, no one is coming!” So I opened my eyes,
“Oh, it’s so dark, no one is coming!” So I opened my eyes,
“Oh, it’s so dark, no one is coming!” I thought, “Oh, that means
I had an inner experience!” I thought, “Oh, that means
I had an inner experience!” So I closed my eyes again, and once more,
I heard Master singing. and once more,
I heard Master singing. And your voice
was so melodious and beautiful, And your voice
was so melodious and beautiful, accompanied by the sound
of bamboo sticks striking one another. accompanied by the sound
of bamboo sticks striking one another. accompanied by the sound
of bamboo sticks striking one another. “Tok, tok, tok,” very nice. Then I concentrated and thought, “Let’s see what language
Master was singing in.” “Let’s see what language
Master was singing in.” Then I said, “No, it was not
Aulacese (Vietnamese), Then I said, “No, it was not
Aulacese (Vietnamese), Chinese, or English.” Listening to your voice,
I felt so relaxed, so comfortable. Listening to your voice,
I felt so relaxed, so comfortable. After a while,
maybe 15 or 20 minutes, After a while,
maybe 15 or 20 minutes, suddenly, Master’s voice
became gradually softer, suddenly, Master’s voice
became gradually softer, softer, softer, softer,
and then it stopped. softer, softer, softer,
and then it stopped. On the second day, I also came
to group meditation at 3 o’clock. On the second day, I also came
to group meditation at 3 o’clock. A guard also took me
to the exact same place. A guard also took me
to the exact same place. I said to myself,
“Oh, the same place.” I said to myself,
“Oh, the same place.” However, I thought,
as my mind was a little bit greedy, However, I thought,
as my mind was a little bit greedy, “Maybe Master would give me
another experience.” “Maybe Master would give me
another experience.” When I meditated on the Sound, suddenly I felt
a tickling on my forehead, suddenly I felt
a tickling on my forehead, as if someone touched that spot. Suddenly, it rotated fast around,
around, and around. Suddenly, it rotated fast around,
around, and around. It seemed like someone was pulling
a curtain up and then pulling it down. It seemed like someone was pulling
a curtain up and then pulling it down. It seemed like someone was pulling
a curtain up and then pulling it down. In front of my eyes,
there was a bright, vast sky. In front of my eyes,
there was a bright, vast sky. Wow, I was so happy
and felt so good. Wow, I was so happy
and felt so good. And then I saw
a really white pigeon, so radiant, And then I saw
a really white pigeon, so radiant, flying out from my wisdom eye
into the empty space, flying out from my wisdom eye
into the empty space, then it flew to the right. After that, I saw a second one
bigger than the first also flying out. After that, I saw a second one
bigger than the first also flying out. After that, I saw a second one
bigger than the first also flying out. It was brilliant white and so beautiful. It was brilliant white and so beautiful. It flew higher than the first one,
then it also flew to the right. It flew higher than the first one,
then it also flew to the right. I was so happy, and then
I saw a third pigeon, Master. I was so happy, and then
I saw a third pigeon, Master. The third one was much bigger
than the other two, The third one was much bigger
than the other two, brilliant white and so beautiful. It flew straight up. It didn’t use its wings but flew straight
all the way up very high and disappeared. It didn’t use its wings but flew straight
all the way up very high and disappeared. It didn’t use its wings but flew straight
all the way up very high and disappeared. When the third pigeon
disappeared, suddenly I felt When the third pigeon
disappeared, suddenly I felt like someone pulling a curtain
up and down at my wisdom eye, like someone pulling a curtain
up and down at my wisdom eye, Master. That was my inner experience
on the second day. That was my inner experience
on the second day. Those were my inner experiences
at the Thailand retreat, Master. Those were my inner experiences
at the Thailand retreat, Master. Good for you. Thank you, Master. You’re welcome. Anybody else? Indian? Master, thank you very much. I’m from South Africa. Oh, you are? (Yes.) Look like Indian. Your ancestry, right? My ancestors were from north India. My ancestors were from north India. Okay. I’d just like to say something
before that. I’d just like to say something
before that. Thank you very, very much
from our Johannesburg team. Thank you very, very much
from our Johannesburg team. And this is the message
they sent through me. And this is the message
they sent through me. Yes. Master is Creator. Master is Sustainer. Master is Divine,
the Destroyer (of negativity). Master is Divine,
the Destroyer (of negativity). Master is Omnipresent,
The Transcendental Divinity. Master is Omnipresent,
The Transcendental Divinity. To you and only you, Glorious Master,
I render my salutations. To you and only you, Glorious Master,
I render my salutations. To you and only you, Glorious Master,
I render my salutations. Can I explain the meaning
in English, (I know.) quickly? Can I explain the meaning
in English, (I know.) quickly? Okay. I heard that in India, very nice. Okay, “You are a Master
that’s higher than God because…” “You are a Master
that’s higher than God because…” “You are a Master
that’s higher than God because…” Don’t offend the Guy. Guru Brahma, Guru Vishnu
and Guru Devo Guru Brahma, Guru Vishnu
and Guru Devo are the three trinity
of the Hindu philosophy. are the three trinity
of the Hindu philosophy. And you are greater than that
because you take us to God. And you are greater than that
because you take us to God. And you show us the Light. You show us the Sound. You show us everything
and that is why you’re so great. You show us everything
and that is why you’re so great. Thank you very, very much. You’re welcome. You’re a real Indian. In India, they’re very devoted
to their guru. In India, they’re very devoted
to their guru. They always sing
this kind of similar song like, They always sing
this kind of similar song like, “You are better than God. When I pray,
God doesn’t care about me, When I pray,
God doesn’t care about me, but you come
and lift me out of misery.” but you come
and lift me out of misery.” Something like that. And there’s something
they sing very offensive, like, And there’s something
they sing very offensive, like, “If God and guru would stand before me,
whom would I choose? “If God and guru would stand before me,
whom would I choose? “If God and guru would stand before me,
whom would I choose? The guru.” Oh, God. No wonder the Buddha said
there’s no God. No wonder the Buddha said
there’s no God. What’s the use of telling the Indians
there is a God when they don’t care? What’s the use of telling the Indians
there is a God when they don’t care? What’s the use of telling the Indians
there is a God when they don’t care? What’s the use of telling the Indians
there is a God when they don’t care? “You’re better than God.
Your guru is better than God.” “You’re better than God.
Your guru is better than God.” They sing this kind of song,
and they really mean it. They sing this kind of song,
and they really mean it. The Indian people,
when they found a true guru, The Indian people,
when they found a true guru, they really devote themselves. They do all kinds of things, offering at home and
offering in front of the guru, offering at home and
offering in front of the guru, they do pranam,
means prostration. they do pranam,
means prostration. And they also offer
all kinds of things, And they also offer
all kinds of things, offer their house, their money,
their possessions, anything. offer their house, their money,
their possessions, anything. Lucky I don’t take anything,
otherwise you’d have nothing left. Lucky I don’t take anything,
otherwise you’d have nothing left. Lucky I don’t take anything,
otherwise you’d have nothing left. Because they all declare,
the Indians declare that, Because they all declare,
the Indians declare that, “Everything that is mine is not mine. “Everything that is mine is not mine. It’s the guru’s property.” And also, they never dare
to sit at the same height as the guru. And also, they never dare
to sit at the same height as the guru. And also, they never dare
to sit at the same height as the guru. When we look at our guru,
we normally prostrate. When we look at our guru,
we normally prostrate. And that is to show our (Respect.)
level and respect to the Guru. And that is to show our (Respect.)
level and respect to the Guru. And that is to show our (Respect.)
level and respect to the Guru. Okay. They touch the feet
and kiss the feet Okay. They touch the feet
and kiss the feet (Yes, we touch the feet.)
of the guru and all that. (Yes, we touch the feet.)
of the guru and all that. Very extremely humble. I wanted to say
something special, I forgot. I wanted to say
something special, I forgot. They say when you touch the guru’s feet,
you are elevated immediately. They say when you touch the guru’s feet,
you are elevated immediately. They say when you touch the guru’s feet,
you are elevated immediately. Only if you meditate! Only lazy people say like that. Okay, of course. Of course, there is a help then. There’s an effect there. Indian people, they
never criticize their guru, Indian people, they
never criticize their guru, never ever. They would die for the guru. They’d do anything, anything. It’s more traditional there. The Indian people, they’re
more spiritually cultivated. The Indian people, they’re
more spiritually cultivated. I don’t mean because
you live in South Africa… I don’t mean because
you live in South Africa… You’re the same anyway. Because they’re used to it. They have this kind of education
since they were kids already. They have this kind of education
since they were kids already. They have this kind of education
since they were kids already. And the whole nation is like that. And the whole nation is like that. Very respectful. So, he just sang the song that
Indian people love to sing. So, he just sang the song that
Indian people love to sing. Anything else? You. Blessings, Master. I’m just going to say thank you for letting me
come and see you again. thank you for letting me
come and see you again. And it’s just wonderful,
and you are my yellow rose, And it’s just wonderful,
and you are my yellow rose, and I had planted a yellow rose
many years ago in honor of you. and I had planted a yellow rose
many years ago in honor of you. and I had planted a yellow rose
many years ago in honor of you. And every year it blooms
and it’s beautiful, And every year it blooms
and it’s beautiful, and tonight you’re wearing
that color yellow. and tonight you’re wearing
that color yellow. (For you, hey?) And I’m just sitting here, thinking, “I just see my yellow rose,
and you are a beautiful yellow rose and…” thinking, “I just see my yellow rose,
and you are a beautiful yellow rose and…” thinking, “I just see my yellow rose,
and you are a beautiful yellow rose and…” This is also yellow. Yes, yes, I know! And I’ve done a piece of artwork,
but it’s just amazing, And I’ve done a piece of artwork,
but it’s just amazing, (Thank you.) in your honor,
and it’s beautiful and (Thank you.) in your honor,
and it’s beautiful and (Thank you.) dedicated it to you,
so it’s lovely. (Thank you.) dedicated it to you,
so it’s lovely. Thank you for remembering me. I do always. Never forget you, Master. (Yeah, good.) And if I can take your cough,
give it to me, I’ll take it. And if I can take your cough,
give it to me, I’ll take it. Oh, thank you. No, no. (Bless you.) You can’t. You do so much for us lately,
I just want… You do so much for us lately,
I just want… Don’t wish like that because for me,
it’s very little. Don’t wish like that because for me,
it’s very little. Don’t wish like that because for me,
it’s very little. But to you, it would kill you,
many lives. But to you, it would kill you,
many lives. But to you, it would kill you,
many lives. But I thought I suffered,
and hearing your stories, But I thought I suffered,
and hearing your stories, now I’m thinking maybe my suffering is nothing
compared to your suffering. maybe my suffering is nothing
compared to your suffering. Maybe not. But… And it’s hard in this world,
I know. (Don’t worry.) And it’s hard in this world,
I know. (Don’t worry.) Don’t ever wish that
because if it comes true, Don’t ever wish that
because if it comes true, you cannot bear. For me, it’s little already,
but if to you… For me, it’s little already,
but if to you… What I mean is,
if you take it, you will die. What I mean is,
if you take it, you will die. And you’ll die many lifetimes and in agony,
so don’t ever wish like that. And you’ll die many lifetimes and in agony,
so don’t ever wish like that. And you’ll die many lifetimes and in agony,
so don’t ever wish like that. I wish you well then, Master,
I wish you well. I wish you well then, Master,
I wish you well. Thank you. That’s good. You can pray together like,
“If it’s possible,” You can pray together like,
“If it’s possible,” but don’t say to wish it on yourself. but don’t say to wish it on yourself. Because it might happen
and I don’t want that. Because it might happen
and I don’t want that. It is terrible. It’s not just coughing like this. It’s just a little bit to come out. But this is because for me,
it’s minimized. But this is because for me,
it’s minimized. But if it’s you, wow,
I don’t dare. But if it’s you, wow,
I don’t dare. I don’t dare to wish you have it because
the bad karma (retribution), I don’t dare to wish you have it because
the bad karma (retribution), I don’t dare to wish you have it because
the bad karma (retribution), it will be multiple. It’s not just coughing. For me,
it’s already minimized. For me,
it’s already minimized. Very minimized already. If suppose it’s not me
who bears all this karma, If suppose it’s not me
who bears all this karma, it is you or any of you,
cannot imagine. it is you or any of you,
cannot imagine. You’d go to hell. Many lifetimes. The karma is too big. Don’t ever wish it on yourself. You can say, “Wish you well.” If our blessings
mean anything, Master, If our blessings
mean anything, Master, because you’re so high
and we are down here, because you’re so high
and we are down here, but bless you, bless you. Oh, you could.
Thank you. You can bless me, Oh, you could.
Thank you. You can bless me, of course, of course. (Bless you
many million and one times. of course, of course. (Bless you
many million and one times. That’s all I say. Blessings.) Everybody blesses a little bit,
also helps. Thanks a lot. Everybody blesses a little bit,
also helps. Thanks a lot. And it’s good for you
to be so compassionate. And it’s good for you
to be so compassionate. But don’t ever wish anything
that I have on yourself. But don’t ever wish anything
that I have on yourself. Don’t ever. Because if the Lord of Karma
hears that, Because if the Lord of Karma
hears that, Because if the Lord of Karma
hears that, he’ll punish you. Don’t wish. (Thank you.) Any other questions? Or you want to hear any jokes? Yes. Oh, this is a lousy one. He promised me right in the front page that
it is “safe for general use.” He promised me right in the front page that
it is “safe for general use.” He promised me right in the front page that
it is “safe for general use.” But I still found some sneaking in, But I still found some sneaking in, mildly hinting bad stuff. This one maybe. But I just hate it when it’s so long
when you can make it in three sentences. But I just hate it when it’s so long
when you can make it in three sentences. But I just hate it when it’s so long
when you can make it in three sentences. But I just hate it when it’s so long
when you can make it in three sentences. This guy is famous for making it long. This guy is famous for making it long. Because I know some others, I read somewhere else the same joke,
but it’s only three lines. I read somewhere else the same joke,
but it’s only three lines. I read somewhere else the same joke,
but it’s only three lines. And here, he makes it
sometimes twenty. And here, he makes it
sometimes twenty. There’re some of the jokes
I read before, so long. There’re some of the jokes
I read before, so long. You dye your hair? (Yes.) It suits you. (Thank you.) Looks good. Looks good. Yes, long story. Your hair, long story? Yes. Long and blonde. I don’t know why. Why? It looks good. Yes, it’s nice, I like it. You dyed them, right? (Yes, yes.) So why should it
be a long story? Just… So why should it
be a long story? Just… Oh, no, it’s just
I’ve seen things and then, Oh, no, it’s just
I’ve seen things and then, it’s kind of making me do it this way. it’s kind of making me do it this way. Want to do it. Okay. (Yes.) Why not? Shown things, not understand,
but I’m doing it anyway. Shown things, not understand,
but I’m doing it anyway. Oh, it’s your hair,
it suits you. (Yes.) Looks nice. Oh, it’s your hair,
it suits you. (Yes.) Looks nice. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, not too much blonder,
that’s good like that. Yes, not too much blonder,
that’s good like that. (No, just, yes. Thank you.) More natural. I have another one here. This, somebody else
gave it to me. This, somebody else
gave it to me. I hope it’s good. I don’t really know. Too big,
I’ll read a small one first. Too big,
I’ll read a small one first. “A Million to One” is the title. “A Million to One” is the title. A man trying to understand
the nature of God asks Hirm, A man trying to understand
the nature of God asks Hirm, A man trying to understand
the nature of God asks Hirm, “God, how long
is a million years to you?” “God, how long
is a million years to you?” Oh, we know this already,
right? Oh, we know this already,
right? Yeah. We know this story, right? I don’t know
why this guy’s so boring. I don’t know
why this guy’s so boring. He didn’t hear all my tapes,
that’s why. He didn’t hear all my tapes,
that’s why. I even read one sentence
and I know this joke already. I even read one sentence
and I know this joke already. Anybody who doesn’t know this joke,
raise hand. Anybody who doesn’t know this joke,
raise hand. Anybody who doesn’t know this joke,
raise hand. Then go listen to my tapes. Never mind,
I’ll tell you anyway. Never mind,
I’ll tell you anyway. God answers,
“A million years is like a minute to me.” God answers,
“A million years is like a minute to me.” God answers,
“A million years is like a minute to me.” Then the man asks, “God, how much
is a million dollars to you?” “God, how much
is a million dollars to you?” And God replies,
“A million dollars is like a penny to me.” And God replies,
“A million dollars is like a penny to me.” And God replies,
“A million dollars is like a penny to me.” So finally, the man says,
“God, could you give me a penny?” So finally, the man says,
“God, could you give me a penny?” So finally, the man says,
“God, could you give me a penny?” And you know already, right? And God says, “In a minute.” It’s a good one. “A Prayer for the Day.” “Dear God, so far today,
I have done all right. “Dear God, so far today,
I have done all right. I haven’t gossiped.” Oh, I have. Sorry. “And I haven’t
lost my temper.” I have. “And I haven’t
lost my temper.” I have. “So I haven’t been grumpy.” I have. Have I? “Nasty or selfish, either. And I’m really glad of that. But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I am probably going to
need a lot of help. I am probably going to
need a lot of help. Thank you in advance. Amen!” He was sleeping, of course,
he didn’t do anything like that alone. He was sleeping, of course,
he didn’t do anything like that alone. He was sleeping, of course,
he didn’t do anything like that alone. There’s a similar joke. There are two old ladies gossiping. There are two old ladies gossiping. The other lady says,
“Oh, my son, he’s really bad. The other lady says,
“Oh, my son, he’s really bad. Oh, he gambles,
and he’s womanizing, Oh, he gambles,
and he’s womanizing, and he doesn’t do anything in the house,
and he doesn’t want to get a job, either. and he doesn’t do anything in the house,
and he doesn’t want to get a job, either. and he doesn’t do anything in the house,
and he doesn’t want to get a job, either. My God, I don’t know
what to do with him.” My God, I don’t know
what to do with him.” So the other lady says, “Okay, maybe you have to
pray to God to help you. “Okay, maybe you have to
pray to God to help you. In that situation,
nobody can help you, either.” In that situation,
nobody can help you, either.” And the other lady says,
“Okay, okay. And the other lady says,
“Okay, okay. I think I will do that.” And she asks her, she asks the adviser,
“And how about you? she asks the adviser,
“And how about you? Is your son very good? Or bad like mine?” The first lady says,
“No, no, he’s good. The first lady says,
“No, no, he’s good. He doesn’t drink,
he doesn’t smoke, He doesn’t drink,
he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t talk bad,
he doesn’t swear, he doesn’t talk bad,
he doesn’t swear, he always stays at home, and it’s not much he does
that doesn’t please me.” and it’s not much he does
that doesn’t please me.” So the second lady says,
“Wow! Aren’t you lucky? So the second lady says,
“Wow! Aren’t you lucky? How old is he?” “Five years old.” “In the bar” again. Oh, “the bear”! Not “in the bar,” sorry,
“The Bear.” Not “in the bar,” sorry,
“The Bear.” Because most of the jokes
are always like, Because most of the jokes
are always like, “A man walked into a bar,”
you know what I mean? “A man walked into a bar,”
you know what I mean? It’s typical, the typical slogan of jokes. In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, hungry bear. there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, hungry bear. there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, hungry bear. In his fear, all attempts
to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. In his fear, all attempts
to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. In his fear, all attempts
to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran
as fast as he could. Finally, he turned and ran
as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran until he ended up at the edge
of a very steep cliff. until he ended up at the edge
of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way
out of his predicament, Seeing no way
out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
rather quickly, and with the bear closing in
rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees. the hunter got down on his knees. It’s the same like the lion. This joke I told before,
except with the lion. This joke I told before,
except with the lion. You want to continue with that?
(Yes.) You want to continue with that?
(Yes.) Probably you didn’t hear it. Okay. Everything is the same
except, instead of the lion, Okay. Everything is the same
except, instead of the lion, it’s a bear. Okay, now, so he kneeled down
and opened his arms, so he kneeled down
and opened his arms, and prayed to God, “Dear God, please give this bear
some religious conscience.” please give this bear
some religious conscience.” The sky darkened
and there was lightning in the air. The sky darkened
and there was lightning in the air. The sky darkened
and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short
of the hunter, the bear came, Just a few feet short
of the hunter, the bear came, abruptly stopped and glanced around,
somewhat confused. abruptly stopped and glanced around,
somewhat confused. abruptly stopped and glanced around,
somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up
into the sky and said, Suddenly, the bear looked up
into the sky and said, “Thank you, God, for the food
I am about to receive.” “Thank you, God, for the food
I am about to receive.” “Where Is the Post Office?” A little boy was waiting for his mother
to come out of the grocery store. A little boy was waiting for his mother
to come out of the grocery store. A little boy was waiting for his mother
to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached
by a man who asked, he was approached
by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me
where the post office is?” “Son, can you tell me
where the post office is?” The little boy replied, “Sure. Just go straight down this street
a couple of blocks and turn to your right.” Just go straight down this street
a couple of blocks and turn to your right.” Just go straight down this street
a couple of blocks and turn to your right.” The man thanked the boy
kindly and said, The man thanked the boy
kindly and said, “I am the new pastor in town.” New priest in town. “I’d like for you
to come to church on Sunday. “I’d like for you
to come to church on Sunday. I will show you
how to get to Heaven.” I will show you
how to get to Heaven.” Talk to children, it’s simple. The little boy replied with a chuckle,
“Aw, come on. The little boy replied with a chuckle,
“Aw, come on. The little boy replied with a chuckle,
“Aw, come on. You don’t even know
the way to the post office!” You don’t even know
the way to the post office!” Good one, good one. (That’s good.) Good one. “God’s Laughter.” The question is:
How do you make God laugh? The question is:
How do you make God laugh? The answer:
tell him your plans. The answer:
tell him your plans. You understand, right? (Yes.) Hes messes it up. Probably Hes knows that
it’s not going to happen. Probably Hes knows that
it’s not going to happen. Right? “I, Too, Sent My Son.” A Jewish businessman
in Chicago sent his son A Jewish businessman
in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year
to absorb the culture. to Israel for a year
to absorb the culture. When the son returned,
he said, “Papa, When the son returned,
he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way,
I converted to Christianity.” By the way,
I converted to Christianity.” “Oy vey!” said the father. “Oy vey!” said the father. “What have I done?” He took his problem to his best friend
and said to his best friend, He took his problem to his best friend
and said to his best friend, He took his problem to his best friend
and said to his best friend, “John, I sent my son to Israel
and he came home a Christian. “John, I sent my son to Israel
and he came home a Christian. “John, I sent my son to Israel
and he came home a Christian. What can I do?” And John said,
“Funny you ask! And John said,
“Funny you ask! I, too, sent me son to Israel
and he also came home a Christian. I, too, sent me son to Israel
and he also came home a Christian. I, too, sent me son to Israel
and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should
go to see the rabbi.” Perhaps we should
go to see the rabbi.” Before, I thought it’s “rabies,” dog’s problem. So they did, and they
explained their problem to the rabbi. So they did, and they
explained their problem to the rabbi. So they did, and they
explained their problem to the rabbi. “Funny you should ask,”
says the rabbi, “Funny you should ask,”
says the rabbi, “I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our
young people nowadays?” What is happening to our
young people nowadays?” And so they all prayed together,
telling the Lord about their sons. And so they all prayed together,
telling the Lord about their sons. And so they all prayed together,
telling the Lord about their sons. It’s funny. They’re telling the Lord,
but they can’t accept their Christianity. They’re telling the Lord,
but they can’t accept their Christianity. They’re telling the Lord,
but they can’t accept their Christianity. As they finished their prayer,
a voice came from the heavens. As they finished their prayer,
a voice came from the heavens. As they finished their prayer,
a voice came from the heavens. The voice said,
“Funny you should ask. The voice said,
“Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my son to Israel.” Good one. I like that one. I like. “How Enlightened Are You?” If you can live without caffeine,
if you can be cheerful, If you can live without caffeine,
if you can be cheerful, If you can live without caffeine,
if you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains… Why they are talking about me? Why they are talking about me? Is that a joke for me? If you can resist complaining, if you can understand when your loved ones are
too busy to give you any time, when your loved ones are
too busy to give you any time, if you can take criticisms and blame
without resentment, if you can take criticisms and blame
without resentment, if you can take criticisms and blame
without resentment, if you can ignore
a friend’s limited education if you can ignore
a friend’s limited education and never correct him or her, if you can resist treating a rich friend
better than a poor friend, if you can resist treating a rich friend
better than a poor friend, if you can resist treating a rich friend
better than a poor friend, if you can face the world
without lies and deceit, if you can face the world
without lies and deceit, if you can conquer tension
without medical help. if you can conquer tension
without medical help. If you can relax without liquor –
this I can. If you can relax without liquor –
this I can. If you can sleep without the aid of drugs –
this I can, too! If you can sleep without the aid of drugs –
this I can, too! If you can sleep without the aid of drugs –
this I can, too! Wow, tough. If you can honestly say that
deep in your heart If you can honestly say that
deep in your heart you have no prejudice
against creed, color, you have no prejudice
against creed, color, religion, gender preference
or politics, religion, gender preference
or politics, then you have almost reached
the same level then you have almost reached
the same level of spiritual development as your dog. of spiritual development as your dog. Oh, thank you very much. Thank God. It’s true, the dogs are like that. Wow. Sounds like dogs are saints. Well, my dogs are. My dogs are very saintly,
I think. My dogs are very saintly,
I think. All your dogs are, too. If you have one, or ones. I hate an unfinished job,
but it’s a lot here. I hate an unfinished job,
but it’s a lot here. I’ll do what I can. Without complaining. I can live without caffeine,
that I can. I can live without caffeine,
that I can. I can be cheerful,
ignoring aches and pains. I can be cheerful,
ignoring aches and pains. I can. Sometimes. And I can resist complaining. Sometimes. I can understand when your loved one’s
too busy to give you any time. I can understand when your loved one’s
too busy to give you any time. I can understand when your loved one’s
too busy to give you any time. I don’t have any loved one. If you can take criticism and blame
without resentment. If you can take criticism and blame
without resentment. Sometimes. So I fail a lot of tests,
so keep reading, So I fail a lot of tests,
so keep reading, then it just keeps telling
that I fail all the time. then it just keeps telling
that I fail all the time. Anyway, so,
at least I am not a dog. Anyway, so,
at least I am not a dog. You know by now, right? That’s clear evidence. Because I couldn’t complete all these tests,
so I’m not a dog. Because I couldn’t complete all these tests,
so I’m not a dog. Because I couldn’t complete all these tests,
so I’m not a dog. Wow! How obvious! “Reversing Life Sequence.” I want to live my next life
backwards. I want to live my next life
backwards. You start out dead
and get that out of the way. You start out dead
and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in the nursing home,
feeling better every day. Then you wake up in the nursing home,
feeling better every day. Then you wake up in the nursing home,
feeling better every day. Of course, backward. Then you get kicked out
for being too healthy. Then you get kicked out
for being too healthy. You enjoy your retirement
and collect your pension. You enjoy your retirement
and collect your pension. Then, when you start work,
you get a gold watch on your first day. Then, when you start work,
you get a gold watch on your first day. Then, when you start work,
you get a gold watch on your first day. How can it be? You work forty years until
you are too young to work. You work forty years until
you are too young to work. All backward. Isn’t that nice. You get ready
for high school party all the time. You get ready
for high school party all the time. Then you go to primary school,
you become a kid. Then you go to primary school,
you become a kid. You play and
you have no responsibility. You play and
you have no responsibility. Wow. Then you become a baby. And then, you spend your last nine months
floating peacefully in luxury, And then, you spend your last nine months
floating peacefully in luxury, And then, you spend your last nine months
floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions. Central heating,
room service on tap. Central heating,
room service on tap. I don’t like that. I don’t like the last one,
even if it looks nice. I don’t like the last one,
even if it looks nice. Floating in all that,
who wants it? Floating in all that,
who wants it? “God Creates Man and Woman.” It’s another one. God and Adam were walking through God and Adam were walking through the Garden of Eden
discussing various things. the Garden of Eden
discussing various things. At some point,
Adam says to God, At some point,
Adam says to God, “Wow, God! Oh, Lord! You sure made Eve awfully beautiful. You sure made Eve awfully beautiful. Just amazingly beautiful.” So spoke the Lord,
“Yes, my son. So spoke the Lord,
“Yes, my son. That is so you would love her
very, very, very deeply.” That is so you would love her
very, very, very deeply.” After a brief moment… I think we had similar joke… Adam hesitatingly commented, Adam hesitatingly commented, “But Lord, why did you make Eve
so not too smart?” “But Lord, why did you make Eve
so not too smart?” Means stupid, you know. “Ah, yes,” says God. “That is so she would love you
very, very deeply.” “That is so she would love you
very, very deeply.” I don’t think so. I think it’s the opposite. This is a similar joke
from somewhere else. This is a similar joke
from somewhere else. Not about Adam and Eve. It’s our ancestors. They should not offend our
great, great, great ancestors like that. They should not offend our
great, great, great ancestors like that. They should not offend our
great, great, great ancestors like that. If we even had one. Some people think we evolved
from monkeys anyway. Some people think we evolved
from monkeys anyway. That’s why sometimes we go,
“Oo, oo! Oo!” That’s why sometimes we go,
“Oo, oo! Oo!” This, I like it. It’s called “Peace.” A disciple tells the master,
“Oh, wise and knowing one, A disciple tells the master,
“Oh, wise and knowing one, master, please take me
to the realm of perfect peace.” master, please take me
to the realm of perfect peace.” So the master says to him,
“If I take you to that realm, So the master says to him,
“If I take you to that realm, it will no longer be peace.” It’s true. It’s true like that. Did you watch a film called “Lost Horizon”? Did you watch a film called “Lost Horizon”? There was a place called
Shangri-La somewhere, There was a place called
Shangri-La somewhere, supposed to be like Heaven on Earth. supposed to be like Heaven on Earth. And then one of the persons
who were lost there said, And then one of the persons
who were lost there said, “Wow, this is a beautiful,
perfect place. “Wow, this is a beautiful,
perfect place. It would be nice if everyone knows it
and comes here.” It would be nice if everyone knows it
and comes here.” It would be nice if everyone knows it
and comes here.” And the monk said or somebody said, And the monk said or somebody said, “If everyone comes here,
there won’t be Shangri-La anymore.” “If everyone comes here,
there won’t be Shangri-La anymore.” “If everyone comes here,
there won’t be Shangri-La anymore.” It’s true like that. It’s true like that. “Graffiti.” Seen on a restroom wall:
“God is dead. Nietzsche.” Seen on a restroom wall:
“God is dead. Nietzsche.” That’s from Nietzsche,
the German atheist. That’s from Nietzsche,
the German atheist. Below that sentence ,it was written,
“Nietzsche is dead. God.” Below that sentence ,it was written,
“Nietzsche is dead. God.” Below that sentence ,it was written,
“Nietzsche is dead. God.” They both signed their signatures. They both signed their signatures. You are dead, man. “Not Getting the Joke.” This is from Voltaire. “God is a comedian playing
to an audience too afraid to laugh.” “God is a comedian playing
to an audience too afraid to laugh.” “God is a comedian playing
to an audience too afraid to laugh.” Are we? We are afraid to laugh? I guess too much suffering here. I guess too much suffering here. It’s supposed to be like a play, like a drama for God or for some Heaven. like a drama for God or for some Heaven. But for us, it’s not. For us,
it’s very terrible sometimes. For us,
it’s very terrible sometimes. Are you okay? You tired already, we stop? No.
No? (No.) No.
No? (No.) You understand my English?
(Yes.) You understand my English?
(Yes.) Thank God. Because I’m worried I don’t speak English
the way the English people do. Because I’m worried I don’t speak English
the way the English people do. Because I’m worried I don’t speak English
the way the English people do. Is it okay? “Modern Zen Humor.” Question: How do you
describe a schizophrenic Question: How do you
describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist? Answer: It is a man who is at two
with the universe. Answer: It is a man who is at two
with the universe. Answer: It is a man who is at two
with the universe. Not at one, but at two
with the universe. Not at one, but at two
with the universe. Another modern Zen humor. A student once asked
Zen teacher Steve Allen this question: A student once asked
Zen teacher Steve Allen this question: A student once asked
Zen teacher Steve Allen this question: “If you were
given a wish-fulfilling jewel, “If you were
given a wish-fulfilling jewel, what would you wish for?” Replied Allen,
“I’d wish to stop wishing.” Replied Allen,
“I’d wish to stop wishing.” Random quips from
various unknown sources. Random quips from
various unknown sources. “As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer in public school.” “As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer in public school.” “As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer in public school.” Another one. “I have taken
a vow of poverty. Another one. “I have taken
a vow of poverty. To test me,
please send me money.” To test me,
please send me money.” “Ever stop to think
and forget to start again?” “Ever stop to think
and forget to start again?” “Why don’t sheep shrink
when it rains?” “Why don’t sheep shrink
when it rains?” “If Westerners’ babies eat
with teaspoons, “If Westerners’ babies eat
with teaspoons, do Asians’ babies eat
with toothpicks?” do Asians’ babies eat
with toothpicks?” Because chopstick are big,
so toothpicks are small. Because chopstick are big,
so toothpicks are small. It is cute, it’s cute. It’s cute. Some people really had nothing to do. Some people really had nothing to do. So they can think of such things. So they can think of such things. “How have the signs
‘Keep off the grass’ “How have the signs
‘Keep off the grass’ been put there in the first place?” been put there in the first place?” (Oh, yes, yes.) Yeah, because they have to
walk on the grass to put. Yeah, because they have to
walk on the grass to put. Some people really
have nothing to do. Some people really
have nothing to do. But it’s okay. At least they give us
some funny times. At least they give us
some funny times. Looking how many left. My God, this guy,
he really printed small. My God, this guy,
he really printed small. I wonder how I can read it
with my eyes even. I wonder how I can read it
with my eyes even. Look at that, so small. And I forgot
to even put the glasses on, And I forgot
to even put the glasses on, now I realize I don’t have glasses. now I realize I don’t have glasses. And I kept reading all this time. And I kept reading all this time. Normally, when the print
is very small, I need glasses. Normally, when the print
is very small, I need glasses. Reading glasses. It’s a different joke. Oh, this is
another random thought. Oh, this is
another random thought. “Did Adam have a belly button?” “Did Adam have a belly button?” Why are you laughing? It’s because…?
(Your expression.) It’s because…?
(Your expression.) My expression! So, it’s not the joke,
it’s me you laugh at! So, it’s not the joke,
it’s me you laugh at! Thank you very much! For your compliment. “How do you get rid of
an old boomerang?” “How do you get rid of
an old boomerang?” Because if you throw it out,
it comes back to you. Because if you throw it out,
it comes back to you. It’s cute. “Solution to the previous question: Throw it down a one-way street.” Throw it down a one-way street.” Not bad. The boomerang, he cannot go back
because it’s a one-way street. The boomerang, he cannot go back
because it’s a one-way street. The boomerang, he cannot go back
because it’s a one-way street. “Why do buildings
opening 24/7 have locks?” “Why do buildings
opening 24/7 have locks?” If it says open 24/7,
why do they have locks? If it says open 24/7,
why do they have locks? Just like the cemetery,
nobody wants to go in there, Just like the cemetery,
nobody wants to go in there, but they locked it all the time. The cemetery. Not all cemeteries, but many lock
with high gates and high walls. Not all cemeteries, but many lock
with high gates and high walls. Not all cemeteries, but many lock
with high gates and high walls. Right? Why? People inside can’t get out. And we can’t get in. We don’t want to get in. I mean, not forever,
not to sit there or doing things there. I mean, not forever,
not to sit there or doing things there. I mean, not forever,
not to sit there or doing things there. Funny. “People say that only ten people
really understood Einstein. “People say that only ten people
really understood Einstein. If nobody understands me,
am I a genius, too?” If nobody understands me,
am I a genius, too?” It’s good. “If when I sleep, I dream that I sleep,
do I have to wake up twice?” “If when I sleep, I dream that I sleep,
do I have to wake up twice?” “If when I sleep, I dream that I sleep,
do I have to wake up twice?” “When a mute and deaf
tell each other secrets, “When a mute and deaf
tell each other secrets, do they wear gloves?” (I don’t get it.) Ha, ha, ha. I don’t get it.
(Sign language.) Ha, ha, ha. I don’t get it.
(Sign language.) Sign language, why do they
have to wear gloves? Sign language, why do they
have to wear gloves? (Because it’s secret.)
Oh, secret! (Because it’s secret.)
Oh, secret! My God. Okay. “I don’t have a problem
with will power, “I don’t have a problem
with will power, it’s won’t power
I have a problem with.” it’s won’t power
I have a problem with.” “I used to be indecisive,
now I’m not sure.” “I used to be indecisive,
now I’m not sure.” What’s the use? “No sense being pessimistic,
it wouldn’t work anyway.” “No sense being pessimistic,
it wouldn’t work anyway.” It’s the same,
the same like above. It’s the same,
the same like above. “What do they call
church pastors in Germany? “What do they call
church pastors in Germany? German shepherds.” I like that one. I like that one. German shepherd. Because they call the priest
“shepherd,” right? Because they call the priest
“shepherd,” right? Shepherd of the sheep.
“Baaaa.” Shepherd of the sheep.
“Baaaa.” So German shepherd,
that’s correct, no? (Yes.) So German shepherd,
that’s correct, no? (Yes.) I think it’s too long now. Maybe we do it next time. Okay? (Yes.) Now, all these are
Aulacese (Vietnamese)? Now, all these are
Aulacese (Vietnamese)? From United States?
(Hawaii.) From United States?
(Hawaii.) How many Aulacese (Vietnamese),
raise hand. How many Aulacese (Vietnamese),
raise hand. Hawaii or “Trawaii,”
raise your hands. Hawaii or “Trawaii,”
raise your hands. How come you came so late? Even the Âu Lạc (Vietnam)
people came a long time already. Even the Âu Lạc (Vietnam)
people came a long time already. Even the Âu Lạc (Vietnam)
people came a long time already. Never mind. You are okay, yeah?
(Yes.) Very good. You are okay, yeah?
(Yes.) Very good. How many non-Asians? Black and white, raise hand. Okay, not too many. Okay, I go now. And you take them to the gallery. And you take them to the gallery. The non-Asians,
black and white and all. The non-Asians,
black and white and all. The non-Chinese,
non-Aulacese (Vietnamese), The non-Chinese,
non-Aulacese (Vietnamese), non-Indonesian, non-Singaporean,
non-Malaysian, non-Indonesian, non-Singaporean,
non-Malaysian, non-Formosan (Taiwanese),
non… you know what. non-Formosan (Taiwanese),
non… you know what. You’ve made it here, huh? How come you look so young,
exactly like before? How come you look so young,
exactly like before? Two of you. Three of you. You are still alive? Oh, my God! I need to take care of something else. I need to take care of something else. I’ll take care of you later,
okay? I’ll take care of you later,
okay? Maybe I’ll come back. Maybe I’ll come back. I want to see the so-called Westerners. I want to see the so-called Westerners. Sit too long,
my legs have gone to sleep. Sit too long,
my legs have gone to sleep. My legs won’t laugh together with… My legs won’t laugh together with… Really, stupid knees. See you later! Thank you, Master. Thank you. Make sure
everybody comes, you. Make sure
everybody comes, you. Come, come. I have some goodies.

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